By the time Scotland’s 1–0 victory over Haiti was confirmed and news arrived that Morocco and Brazil had drawn, placing Scotland unexpectedly at the top of Group C, the entire Gerbil World Cup headquarters had descended into celebration.
The cheerleaders turned out to be a mistake. Not because the gerbils lacked enthusiasm. Quite the opposite. The problem was that nobody had established what a cheerleader actually was.
Granite had assumed it involved logistics. Glyph had produced eighty-seven hand-painted signs reading SCOTLAND! in increasingly artistic fonts. Gazetteer had brought maps. Gubbins had brought her triangle.
“We need a pyramid!” shouted Gubbins.
This was immediately accepted as sensible.
Within moments, gerbils were scrambling onto tables. Several climbed onto other gerbils. More joined them. Gubbins fought her way to the summit carrying the triangle above her head like a trophy. The resulting structure swayed alarmingly from side to side.
“Is this safe?” asked Geography.
“No!” shouted Gubbins happily. She struck the triangle. TING!
The pyramid collapsed. Fortunately, it landed on a larger pile of gerbils.
Meanwhile, Granite had interpreted cheerleading as requiring equipment and had constructed enormous pom-poms from shredded tournament paperwork. Several fixture lists disappeared forever. Nobody noticed.
Across the room, Gazetteer was attempting to lead chants. “What do we want?”
There was a pause.
“Scotland?” suggested Glyph.
“Yes!”
“When do we want them?”
Another pause followed.
“Before Morocco?” offered somebody.
“Yes!”
The chant never improved.
The elephant shrew referees observed proceedings from a safe distance and made notes for future disciplinary hearings.
The official tournament bulletin eventually recorded:
Group C Update
Scotland 1–0 Haiti
Brazil 1–1 Morocco
Scotland top the group.
The gerbils added a second bulletin directly underneath:
Group C Update
SCOTLAND ARE WINNING THE WORLD CUP!
Technically this was premature. The gerbils saw no flaw in the reasoning.
Gubbins, now standing on top of a filing cabinet and waving a pom-pom larger than herself, announced that if Scotland beat Morocco in the next match, the cheerleading pyramid would be rebuilt.
The elephant shrews immediately began reviewing health and safety regulations. Just in case.
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