The final whistle produced a noise that was later measured somewhere between a celebration and a small geological event.
The giant screen flashed the result.
England 4 - 2 Croatia
For perhaps three seconds, the stadium simply stared. Then the cheering began.
It started in one corner. Spread to another. Crossed the stands in a great wave and returned even louder than before. Flags appeared from nowhere. Scarves spun through the air. Emergency snacks were abandoned as their owners leapt onto chairs.
Nobody had anticipated this level of success. Several gerbils immediately attempted victory laps despite not having participated in the match. Others climbed onto seats and delivered emotional speeches to anyone within earshot. Most of the speeches consisted entirely of the score repeated at increasing volume. The inflatable banana was carried triumphantly around the stadium by supporters who had become convinced it had contributed in some meaningful way.
Granite attempted to record the result. This proved difficult because every time she wrote “4-2” someone nearby cheered and knocked over her paperwork. Gadget declared the Match Preparation Centre a complete success. Nobody could remember what it had predicted. This did not seem important.
Across the stadium, Gubbins finally unveiled her special musical performance. Reports that it involved three triangles turned out to have been optimistic. Witnesses later estimated the number at somewhere between twelve and twenty-seven. The resulting concert could be heard from several neighbouring postcodes.
The elephant shrew referees watched the celebrations with mild concern. They had the distinct impression that the crowd was behaving as though England had already won the entire World Cup.
Technically, England had merely won one group match. Nobody appeared interested in technicalities.
By midnight, unofficial commemorative banners had appeared. By half past midnight, unofficial commemorative mugs were being sold. By one o’clock, somebody had begun constructing an unofficial commemorative statue of the inflatable banana. The statue was eventually abandoned when its creators became distracted by highlights.
The giant screen replayed the goals again and again. Each replay was greeted with the same enthusiasm as the first. Sleep became impossible.
The Gerbil World Cup schedule for the following morning was quietly postponed. Football, everyone agreed, had been absolutely magnificent. And for one glorious evening, the entire stadium believed England were unstoppable.
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